Chapter 1 What the Experts Say We all want friendly, rewarding relationships with other people, but we often end up with the exact opposite--hostility, bitterness, and distrust. Why is this? Why can't we all just get along? There are two competing theories. Most experts endorse the deficit theory. According to this theory, we can't get along because we don't know how. In other words, we fight because we lack the skills we need to solve the problems in our relationships. When we were growing up, we learned reading, writing, and arithmetic, but there weren't any classes on how to communicate or solve relationship problems. Other experts believe that we can't get along because we don't really want to. This is called the motivational theory. In other words, we fight because we lack the motivation to get close to the people we're at odds with. We end up embroiled in hostility and conflict because the battle is rewarding. The Deficit Theory Most mental health professionals, including clinicians and researchers, endorse the deficit theory. They're convinced that we wage war simply because we don't know how to make love. We desperately want loving, satisfying relationships but lack the skills we need to develop them. Of course, different experts have different ideas about what the most important interpersonal skill deficits are. Behavior therapists, for example, believe that our problems with getting along result from a lack of communication and problem--solving skills. So when someone criticizes us, we may get defensive when we should be listening. We may pout and put the other person down instead of sharing our feelings openly, or we may resort to nagging and coercion in order to get our way. We don't use systematic negotiation or problem--solving skills, so the tensions escalate. A related theory attributes relationship conflict to the idea that men and women are inherently different. This theory was popularized by Deborah Tannen in her best--selling book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation and by John Gray in his best--selling book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. These authors argue that men and women can't get along because they use language so differently. The idea is that women use language to express feelings, whereas men use language to solve problems. So when a woman tells her husband that she's upset, he may automatically try to help her with the problem that's bugging her because that's how his brain is wired. But she simply wants him to listen and acknowledge how she feels, so she gets more upset when he tries to "help" her. They both end up feeling frustrated and misunderstood. You may have observed this pattern in yourself and someone you're not getting along with, such as your spouse. Cognitive therapists have a different idea about the deficits that lead to relationship problems. They emphasize that all of our feelings result from our thoughts and attitudes, or cognitions. In other words, the things other people do--like being critical or rudely cutting in front of us in traffic--don't actually upset us. Instead, we get upset because of the way we think about these events. This theory may resonate with your personal experience. When you're mad at someone, you may have noticed that your mind is flooded with negative thoughts. You tell yourself, "He's such a jerk! He only cares about himself. He -shouldn't be like that. What a loser!" When you feel upset, these negative thoughts seem overwhelmingly valid, but they actually contain a variety of thinking errors, or cognitive distortions, listed on pages 6--7. One of the most interesting things about the cognitive theory is the idea that anger and interpersonal conflict ultimately result from a mental con. Excerpted from Feeling Good Together: The Secret of Making Troubled Relationships Work by David D. Burns All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.